Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Rach's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, June 16th, 2005
3:43 pm	the path I will respect its funny when you read a story that is so farmilar, and realize how entrenched in it you were at one time, day, weeks ago. but your name is no where. and you wonder if you were ever considered part of it. and then you must look at your own story, and rewrite it maybe out of pride, or hurt, or something sad and empty. and you think, its a damn fine story either way. but you know its not. and that is that. I think this year was tough. really tough. not because anything was wrong, but because I made it tough. I wanted to be academically challenged I wanted to be politically challenged. I stood up where I wouldn't have and said, i not only can do this but you should listen, its worth your while. I did so sociologically, politically, in my personal life. What I have learned the most is that its pointless to listen to those who will tell you that you can't do it. They will tell you that you did a bad job, that people didn't like it. That you aren't good enough, that you need to change. Keep the people around that you make proud regardless That see your imperfections as beauty marks, not scars. Do so because you know yourself and you know how to be better. You dont' need to be shut out of someone's life as insentive. I won't write anyone out of my story. I will tell it to myself in full, not in part and I will do so not only because its the right thing, but because i know that there is no other way to be whole. If you channel your passion into narrow tunnels, and pride yourself on succeeding in them, then you will never be the person you could be. Your life will be limited. You must meet people different than yourself, push yourself into new ways of thinking and learning in classes, in activities, in friendships. You must travel and learn about the world. In doing so you learn about yourself. Its a shame to be such a narrow thinking. To be empassioned by the same things day by day, rather than empassioned by things that are harder and more challenging. Its the only path I have found peace with, the only path I will respect you for. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
12:47 pm	Random Thoughts I haven't been to a really good concert since forever, maybe all semester. Why is that? I've been working on stupid cover letters and resumes and went back to work for a few days, that feels like productivity. Went to cancun, wooo. Got a tan relaxed with benjamin. One thing that worries me, we didn't really talk much, just swam and went to the beach and layed in the sand. For the last week I've had so much time to reflect. I think what i've come to is that I will hardly be able to find happiness in life without passion. without someone who thinks its cute how bad a speller i am. without books/movies/classes things to teach me things I don't get at all. without friends to make me mad and sad and twist this straight line that seems to safe most of the time. i think passion unfolds in so many ways. it brings out the worst and the best in us. maybe i'm not really ready for what all of this means, but what I think is that it means that slowly i need to grow into someone that isn't afraid to do what makes me most passionate. aren't those the hardest decisions? to take the scary class with the scary teacher? to live somewhere new? to do something unplanned. i guess in the end, look at this semeseter... i had such a horrible scary nightmarish experience in prague, threw myself back into college without being prepared at all, lived in a house i really knew no one at. and it all turned out much better than i expected. I got great grades. I had ups and downs, but learned a lot. I mourned after a horrible election result, but i guess what I realized looking back at is it the people that were there for me, the friends that let me be there for them in their best and their worst. here are some things i would have never predicted or thought would happen with people i didn't even know.. i mean, i thougth i had enough good friends and iw asn't goingto meet anyone knew. I met Alex at ladd, who had fun adventures with me to tacky sushi restaurants and we realzied how we are both so crazy with boys. I got into my first fight ever with tom, but everything worked out fine, in a way its better, because what kind of friends coul.d we be if neither of us ever got mad? i got closer to fariha and jas and my friendship grew stronger with susan, who had such a tough and undeserved life experience. and i met frank. and how can i put that into words. impossible i suppose, someone who would leave all of his friends who were getting high to give me a hug if i seemed sad on the phone...who would fake fight me in the snow and hold my hand so we both didn't trip int he snow... and next semester is going to be great. five classes, scary. but a new appartment with emma and courtney, and i'm going down to atlanta for the weekend of valentines day, and i'm going away to somewhere tropical with the family for spring break. and i really want to be healthier, not just the way i eat, sleep and excersize, but be more stable and happy. one oclock, time for lunch. love. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 28th, 2004
7:58 am	My bed is a haven of fluffy white blankets. I have returned to my eight year old self after surgery that hides there willingly. No legs anymore, they've been swallowed whole in the amazon of pillows and blankets. When I was younger I would have made a fort of the pillows and blankets that sumerge me. Now I just hide under them. It seems, pathetically, that everytime i drag myself back to this journal its about a boy, well this time it is....it isn't. This break a whole lot of my time is going to be spent on future and past. Neither involving a boy. Lets see, I saw edie for two days, which might not seem like a lot, but it meant so much to me. Also, I have this time to spend as much as I can with LB and Zara, which is also really important. There is the past sort of. Future, I have started really channeling my thoughts into academics. I am waiting to get grades from last semester still, but I think i did well. And next semester I'm gonig to take five classes and force myself to work really hard. I need this year of good grades to put me into Law School Mode for the fall when I have to apply... in other notes, I'd really like to be in D.C when I graduate. GOSH! but graduating is way too far away to think about. So other than that I just have this time in my bed to recover, somehow feel better (although day three doesn't feel much better at all) and write? ---------------- Going back to the make believe world of sketching.. If my body fell apart and I was collapsed hopelessly in bed (sound farmilliar aka my last few days?) I would 100 percent want him to be there. Why, you ask? Because I have never met anyone as strong as him. but not in a traditional way... I doubt he ever goes to the gym, in fact I know so, he absolutely doesn't. I doubt he's so emotionally strong. Well, maybe, but he exists in a state that allows himself to swing into jealous, angry, or even sad moods. I have even seen him cry. Still, he's the strongest person I know, because until recently I saw him as someone so open to the world that he let himself feel honestly. He willingly put himself in situations not because they were the best ones for him, but because he seemed to have this raw openess, that to me is strength. And he would come to me and run his fingers threw my hair and his breath would fall lightly on my neck. It wouldn't be a sexual gesture, but a much greater one, of love. I would tell him that he could be so much more than a boy that has only really openned up to less than a handful of people, than someone that so carefully manipulates his feelings and situations so that they are black and white. (well not literally). Maybe he would escape into this world of fluffy white blankets and sheets and pillows with me. And it is there I would show him how much I selfisly want from him. Someone who feels me in a whole kind of way, who knows me through nights of watching movies at dawn and laughing at five in the morning when neither of us has fallen asleep because we are both so despritely passionate about one thing or another. Someone who feels farmilllar. Someone who I run to on autopilot when something goes wrong, or even better, when something goes right. Current Music: Miles Davis, Kind of Blue (Comment on this)
Monday, November 22nd, 2004
9:29 am	Five years ago, I: 1. Studied in Paris for a summer 2. Was playing tha saxaphone a lot 3. Had silly high school friends One year ago, I: 1. Fell in love again 2. Took a very boring Shakespere class 3. Met new friends who lived in Helmreich So far this year, I: 1. Got very confused about myself 2. Got settled in ladd and made some friends 3. Dealt with lots of my friends getting hurt by boys Yesterday, I: 1. Wrote a paper interviewing a republican about his understanding of race 2. cleaned my whole room, as in every single section (including under the bed) 3. watched armegedon and cried. aww Today, I: 1. woke up early for class and then got an email saying it was canceled 2. talked to my mommm awww 3. wrote this, since i have no class and am mad i woke up early. rar Tomorrow, I will: 1. Go to my French Discussion Group 2. Drive home for thanksgiving break 3. Eat dinner with my family and go out with my mom after In one year, I will: 1. Be applyiing to crazy law schools 2. Be a Senior, ah? 3. Still be in love hopefully. In five years, I will: 1.Be graduating from law schooll unless i decide to be a police woman 2. Be starting my life as a real adult working in the crim justice system 3. buy a small pink piggy with ben and have a cool appartment! Current Mood: blah Current Music: Ben Folds (Comment on this)
Friday, October 8th, 2004
10:57 pm	to not knowing how to spell the world emalgamation I bet you are the type of person that could teach me how to spell, but I don't really know yet. I bet you are the type of person who needs to drink away your problems for once, pretend that monday night is saturday night. Maybe you used to have braces and your teeth still feel naked without them. Maybe you used to dream of being a fake wrestler, all veiny and muscely, adorned with leopard and army patterns, but I wouldn't know yet. Maybe you like when people ramble on about something, anything, as long as they feel inclined to care enough to do so. I hope you live in a world where you are free to smoke musty cigars and secretly heart the princess bride. I hope you exist in a mindset where you care not about what you wear, or who likes you or how you perform, but that you simply value thought. I want you to be thoughtful, to wear thought in your every inperfection, like smoke stuck to your clothing that seems as though it will never leave. I want you to be thoughtful, to have the kind of mind that is always forcing wheels to turn. You can be thoughtful about the weather, or star wars, or even the world. you can be thoughtful about love or hate or racism, or sexism or the subtle differences between cherrios with and without honey. Current Mood: calm Current Music: Deb Talan (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
1:13 pm	Mos Def last entry of the school year. Last year just about this time i wrote this entry: "there are no words. this page should be blank because stupid lines skwished together could never tell the story of this year. and i look around at this world that i forgot i lived in never have i known so much hurt and unjustice never have i known so much love and nurturing. to live in a place where i no longer feel empty. to lie in arms that seem forever even if physically they are not, to know that my friendships will only grow over the next few years.. i guess it makes the blank walls ok because for one of the first times in my life i do not feel blank. i feel full of the colors and smells and bottles and scented skin and sleepovers and all that is packed" _______________________________________________________ this year i haven't had much time to be reflective. I have not observed the 'scented skin' and 'colors and smells' as such, But I have made them who I am. I have become the messy pile of laundry, pile of tissues and poems and music. I have become the list of new strangers that are no longer strangers and the ones that used to be farmillar and are now new strangers. this year has been enormously difficult. I faced being away from the love of my life and having to be ok with that. I have faced immensly hard classes and the reality that i will not always do well. I have been timid with friendships when i should have trusted them I have learned to believe that friendships at bowdoin can be as strong as the ones i have known in the past. I have had to be strong and independent and not rely on anyone in particular. I have learned that I should be more careful with others feelings, especially boys because there is no one else for me except for ben. I know that now and I"ve known it for a while, but i've hardly ever admitted it. I've learned to find myself in places I never thought I could. I've lived in a dirty house with crazy people who stay up all night. I've met some amazing people. Someone whose passions consume her. Someone who is the most adictive person I've ever met. Someone who is the most caring person I've ever met. Someone who is the most apathetic person I've ever met. I've grew into my friendships with Emma, Tom, Marie, Nisha. I've grew as a sociologist, as a thinker. I've broadened my political perspectives. I've narrowed in on the kind of life I want to live. I've drank and cried and laughed and thought way too much. I've been too clingy and not clingy enough. I've been too sinical and too optomistic. I've thrown myself into the activities work, planning a dance, meeting people. And in the end, I don't think I changed much. I think that ever peice of me just became a little stronger and wiser. I don't feel different. I feel older. I feel as though I look at the world with more experience, which will surely not be stunted by a summer in atlanta working for a non-profit law and social worker colaboration called the "Georgia Justice Project" where they help fight the relentless cycle that is the Atlanta prison system. I've come to realize there is a list of people that I love and I can count on. both of my parents who would do anything for me. Zara, Edie, Linds. who know me probably in my best and worst forms. Nisha, Tom, Emma, Marie, Bree, Brady. who have been there for me everyday. And of course, Ben.. who has stood by me no matter how whinny or happy or sad or confused I have been. Who makes me feel like I have a place to focus when the word gets so spinny that I fall down dizzy. He centers me. He knows how to love me. i've been thinking about how last year at this time i wrote "i guess it makes the blank walls ok because for one of the first times in my lifei do not feel blank." Because this year I feel as though I have learned to live with full walls of friends and family and love and new experience and difficult times and frustration and anger and sadness, and not for one moment questioned who I am. (Comment on this)
Monday, April 19th, 2004
2:16 pm	When it rains, it should always rain hard. Its never good to just drizzle. When it is sunny, it should be really sunny. Its never good to be only a little sunny. When I want to dance in the rain its no good if i'm tricked by the drizze And when i want to frollic in the sun, its absolutely horendous to be simply luk warm. I have grown to see myself through stained glass. My reflection is timid in time. My thoughts are strong as they waiver. I am teetering between tired and awake. I have grown to see myself through stained glass. I am short of decisions. Words are pulled from my mouth like rope that is frayed. The air becomes perfumed, how Whitmanest. Its always much better to breath fresh air, free from socially poisoined perfume. My hair is long and can be braided like a ladder. My hands are tired and marked with worry lines. I am running toward the beginning, away from what I don't know. I am swaying like a tree with no roots. I am tragically like the rain that sometimes drizzles and the sun that sometimes forgets to be strong, but I am saving strength up like quarters for lunch. I am saving it up until I can be opressive like the way sun should be: so hot you must take off your shirt and drink lemonade. And when the time comes I will pour like the rain that is free and makes a home in the puddles. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 8th, 2004
3:33 am	a story here is an ancient greek story.. at one time in the world we were all big blobs of marshmello. There were three sexes. The men. The women. And the non-gendered. We were bad or something and Zeus got real mad. He used his lightning to cut us in half. The men split into two men. The women split into two women. The non-gendered split into one man and one woman. The original marshmello men are now two men looking for eachother. the original marshmello women are now two women looking for eachother. the original marshmello without a gender is now a man and a woman looking for eachother. This is why there are different sexual orientations. This is why we are always looking for our other half, quite literally. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
5:53 pm	lets see. I'm all for living a heinodistic life (I'm also clearly for not being able to spell that word). I'm for simple things, like finger painting and slip and slide and heinous movies and junk food. I'm for people who care, people who feel, people who give a shit. I'm for johnny depp not just as an actor but so much more. I'm for the kind of love that can be described as soft and warm without caring one drop that it is accepting all that is cliche and frowned upon by the 'academia' manifestation. I'm for kissing. I'm for protesting. I'm for protecting. I'm for things that are different and unique. I'm for the idea that sometimes tears are simply elegent. I'm for believing that clouds are made of cotton balls, for acting like you don't have much time. I'm for honesty and trust and for punching people who suck. (because i'm so eloquent sometimes). I'm for being ok with imperfection. I'm for bubble gum and sour patch kids even though they hurt edie's tongue I'm for peace. I'm for affirmative action. I'm for being against bush. I'm for the right to chose. I'm for everyone having the same rights to marriage and peace of mind. I'm for being crazy and loosing inhibition. I'm for experimenting. I'm for taking risk. I'm for playing gak even though it sometimes makes horrid messes. Yup. (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 28th, 2004
4:56 pm	back from breakkkk spring break = time to relax and get pick and choose with lb and ziz a few days with bree hidding under blankets, talking, falling into this strange world of self pampering by swimming and painting nails (the stuff you never really get to do in the real world) side note: why do i use that expression "real world" what does it mean. cruise, oh boy, there are no words. time with momom, yup. on a cruise. all in all nice time i think, got a tan way to quickly, but note to self: don't ever go on a cruise again: they are the essense of things you don't like. anyways, back here at bowdoin. after four weeks, ben will be up and then i can spend the summer with him. and that will be just dandy. and these four weeks will also be buckets of fun, including a trip to ny hopefully to see zara linds and of course my long lost edith. -peace. Current Mood: amused Current Music: soundtrack to badly drawn boy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
11:49 am	Here I am. I don't write much anymore. I still bite my nails, I still listen to chicks with guitars, I still fantasize about dorky bandboys. I am still honest as every. I am still curious, nieve. I still dance with words, I still struggle with hate and people who wear ignorance like an old necklace they are too lazy to take off. And in the moment I must reflect. Its as if this stupid inner force is pushing me to, and i had the god damn thing beceause its too damn cliche and true at the same time. I am blessed with a love that grows wiser and stronger. I am blessed with a love that has the stregnth to step back and question and bleed. I am blessed with friendship that bears time and space apart but knows. I am blessed with family that remains flawlessly perfect, in the quirky ways of understanding. I still curl up in a ball at night. I still prefer girlie drinks to beer. I still look up to my dad for the world and my mom for the world i do not think to ask for. I still look to books for wisdom and people for change. And in time I am speachless, as I have learned the inherent beauty of a world that shifts and bewilders and breaks and crumbles and crawls and flies. And in time I am in awe of all that keeps me up at night and pushes me onward. In the people who have crept up on me and befriended me. And equally toward the people who have not. I am still hear. And I am the same stupid crazy girl with some of the same beliefs and friends and bad habits and reactions. But more than ever, I feel blessed to exist in it. For the first time I am free... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
1:18 am	oh boy, haven't done one of these in a while LAYER ONE: -- Name: Rachel -- Birthplace: New York -- Current Location: Brr. Maine -- Eye Color: hazel -- Hair Color: brown/black -- Height: 5'1 -- Righty or Lefty: righty. LAYER TWO: -- Your heritage: hmmmm? i forget really. -- Your weakness: peanutbutter and chocolate -- Your fears: being trapped and also not saying goodbye to someone i love -- Your perfect pizza:plain cheese -- Goal you'd like to achieve: be really really really happy LAYER THREE: -- Your most overused phrase on AIM: oh baby, um. jk, how about haha -- Your thoughts first waking up: about my dream -- Your best physical feature: my beautiful eyes, haha. -- Your bedtime: ranging from 12 to 4 LAYER FOUR: -- Pepsi or Coke: Coca-Cola -- McDonald's or Burger King:McDonalds -- Single or group dates:single -- Adidas or Nike: Adidas (why is this layer four?) -- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: both are better than southern yicky sweet tea. -- Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate -- Cappuccino or coffee: mocca cappuccino LAYER FIVE: -- Smoke: eh. -- Cuss: only about the fucking yankees -- Sing: un peu -- Take a shower every day:try to -- Have a crush(es): oh yeah. -- Do you think you've been in love: um. yes. -- Want to go to college: i already do. -- Like high school: nope, did anyone ? -- Want to get married: only for the ring. (JK) -- Believe in yourself:self smelf (goodone edie) -- Get motion sickness: no -- Think you're attractive: not really -- Think you're a health freak: yeah right -- Get along with your parents: haha, perhaps at times unless they dump coke on me -- Like thunderstorms:sure why not, i saw it at the boston museum with benjamin -- Play an instrument: saxomaphone.. LAYER SIX: In the past month . . . -- Drank alcohol: yes. -- Smoked: hmm -- Done a drug: .. -- Had sex :why -- Made out: yep -- Gone on a date:maybe a little one -- Gone to the mall?: yea -- Eaten an entire box of Oreos:no -- Eaten sushi: oh yes. -- Been on stage: uh-uh -- Been dumped: no. -- Gone skating: no. -- Made homemade cookies: eaten them... -- Gone skinny dipping:brr... -- Dyed your hair: no. -- Stolen anything: no and no. LAYER SEVEN: Ever . . . -- Played a game that required removal of clothing:yes -- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated:yes -- Been caught doing something?: yes -- Been called a tease: haha yes. by a rabbi kid -- Gotten beaten up:never -- Shoplifted: no -- Changed who you were to fit in:just a little LAYER EIGHT: -- Age you hope to be married: hm. how about 26? -- Numbers and Names of Children: haha, edie likes the name mimi. two kids. i like hailey, anna, jude. mmm hmm. -- Describe your Dream Wedding: not too fancy -- How do you want to die: i don't. (spontaneous combustion) good one E.D. -- Where you want to go to college: bowdoin is just fine for me -- What do you want to be when you grow up: a civil rights person. -- Country would you most like to visit: i want to go to sri lanka next year, does that count? LAYER NINE: In a guy/girl . . . -- Best eye color: green -- Best hair color: brown -- Short or long hair: either. messy. -- Height: medium sized, hehe -- Best weight: no difference -- Best articles of clothing: funny shirts -- Best first date location: NOT A TOGA PARTY. -- Best first kiss location: in a crazy place LAYER TEN: -- Number of drugs taken illegally: one, wait two? (does drinking count?) -- Number of people I could trust with my life: can't really answer this one -- Number of CDs that I own: 30? -- Number of piercings:hehe. three, i miss my sparkle -- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: a few. -- Number of scars on my body: don't know -- Number of things in my past that I regret: I regret edith caterina regretting everthing she ever did, what about all of our good times! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
10:52 am	i am at school. my house is wonderful and we are having a party called: HOT AND HEAVY. it is good. la la la ben said he loves me as much as a hippo is big. but are hippos always big? what if they are sometime small. anyways, good tos ee all people from school. today is the first day of classes, on which i have all four of mine. crazy crazy crazyness. but three are done. nap hour is almost over and the last class is soon to come. i am not very th oughtful because i just woke up but i haven't written in a while. anyhow, yes. this is it. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 28th, 2003
9:24 am	TIME TO DANCE WITH POLAR BEARS. bye little state of rhode island. time to go to maine today! can't wait to see zizzle bratty brewer and e to the caterina in a few weeks. (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
10:15 pm	she wants to be part of a world where girls wear little lockets around their necks like an ornate sprinkle of dust, or rather glimmer, or perhaps glimmering dust. They have dirt that has seeped so deep beneath their fingernails that it has become theirs, not some simple extraction from the outside world. And much like the glimmering dust of a locket, the dirt is ever so glamorous, because it makes them strong, it makes them brocoli-tree-trunk like. It makes them real and beautiful. But why is it that there has to be something fragile about their beauty, there shouldn't be. She would like to live in a world where there is a sour painfully horrid glare to the delicateness of their beauty, thus catalyzing the wonderous transformation of that beauty to a state of strong, simple nail dirt. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 21st, 2003
3:47 pm	stuff is everywhere and it will never be packed. I have something like six days to turn my disastar room into something that fits in the back of a volvo. GRR. i want it to be like magic, and POOF look.. there is all is neatly organized in boxes, compiled delacatly in the back of me momma's car. however, i have a feelings its gonna be like: just leave that peice of shiznit behind. because nothing at all will fit. princess zara is renting a van. why can't i do that, excecpt i wish for a van with workers to pack and carry. but i will not get my way so busy though. really really busy. tonight my favorite mikey is coming in to providence. yay. also, lots of stupid doctors/dentist ect ect appointments. ok time to go. BYE. (p.s. i am dumb) (Comment on this)
Monday, August 18th, 2003
9:39 am	today i am going to provincetown with my dearest friends, or some of them rather, lins and zara and maybe kathryn. i miss edie. edie, i miss you! i'm excited. its going to be great to spend a few days away with my friends from home before i head back up north. haha. i say it like i live in florida or something. poor ben is alone in a dorm room eating little boxed meals and playing espn fantasy football because his roomate is crazy and left for some other state the first day he came. i just want it to be orientation for him so he can make all his little friends and be very happy. anyways, once i get back to providence on wedsday i feel like i have heaps of packing and cleaning to do.. like clean out my car for my brother and blah blah blah. so i will be a busy girl. i'm really excited to go back, i miss some of my bowdoin friends so much. like i haven't talked to emma practacaly at all except seeing her once. and everytime i talked to nish on the phone i get excited to see her. also, tom seems to have dropped out of my life for the summer, surely i won't be able to survive without him making me phsdo-sane when i get back to school. ok ok ok enough becausei have to go back for p-town. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 7th, 2003
8:59 am	bad dream I keep waking up and having the clearest memory of the worst dreams ever. I hate it, i wake up for a brand new day and have thoughts or somewhat realistic nightmare dwelling in my head. yuck yuck yuck. how do you make really bad dreams stop> I heard that you dream about the last thing you think about before you fall asleep, and i almost always talk to ben right before i fall asleep. so i guess there is some sort of link. i wish that we could end our calls better, becuase then i wouldnt' be dreaming about everything bad happening to me. anyways, i have three full days of work ahead of me, then i'm seeing marie, then i probably have only a few days of work left. then i'm going to provincetown for two nights, then i have to get all that stupid appointment stuff taken care of then pack and go to school. this is my life right now. exciting and crazy? oh yes. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
1:18 pm	today it is very very sunny and pleasantly warm. today it is also a very very little bit rainy. today is just like me (Comment on this)
Friday, August 1st, 2003
1:16 pm	there are a whole lot of images that are flowing through my brain, making it, what i suppose one could call, a messy brain.. lots of accidents, thus.. proceed with cation. ben's hands, the way they are somehow masculine despite being the smallest smoothest hands i have ever seen any boy have. the way he smiles, the way his back bone isn't completely straight if you follow it up to his neck. the way when he gets a little tiny bit ancy and wants to leave he states in the exact same way each time "lets get out of here." the way he hates tomatos. the way he hugged his mom goodbye. the way he called the guy in a car that cut him off a fucking bastard. the way he kisses me on the forehead. his stupid laugh. his stupid way of laughing at me when i say i love you to let me know he's happy. the way he's always like: "this is the best honeymoon ever" and waits for me to respond "this is not my life, this is not my life..." the time he spilled space food at the museum and scared the little kid. how the first time i met him it was almost as if i knew him and we were just sort of magnits. the image of him when he wakes up, or when he gets a shot in at minigolf. his heinous pink shorts, the way he takes 20 showers a day. the time we almost fell in mud. the way it feels to be close to him. the way he is so confident in us. i can picture him sitting by the beach reading seabiscuit, or the time he told me that we should go away to idaho and pick potatoes for the summer, how he always sits in couches at stores and how he does that annoying head bob to techno music in the car. its sort of a jigsaw puzzle that doesn't quit fit.. but i suppose it doesn't really need to as long as i can keep adding to it. (Comment on this)